One day closer....

The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray… John Steinbeck

            As I have mentioned before, I am a planner.  For the most part, I always have my trusty day planner and appointments, meetings etc are noted.  Heck, I even use different colored pens at times.  And up until recently, have also been able to rely on my brain which again, up until recently, was basically a carbon copy of my day planner (and before this is pointed out by anyone who has, had or still works for me, this does not pertain to work schedules.  Once that sucker is done, it has left the brain).   The day planner part of my brain has officially gone on strike.  Zip, Nada, nothing. 

            I hate it… but strangely enough, I am accepting this more and more each day.  I tried to do a February work schedule with me on it and I just can’t.  I have no clue what is going to happen and how I am going to react to the chemo (something I will address shortly).  I cannot plan.  I have things I have to do, things which were scheduled before all of this started and I cannot plan for them.  I will do my best, but unlike even a few weeks ago, if I can’t, I can’t.

            Let’s talk about today.  Today was the CT scan.  I had this lovely supposedly tasteless crap I needed to add to 16 oz of liquid and drink 3 hours before and then the rest of it 1 hour before.  Tasteless my butt...ruined a perfectly good glass of ice tea the first time around and one of those flavored waters the second time.  So Stephanie comes to get me and we are ready to go.  Too bad I did not read (or remember) the instructions.  Nothing metal, no beads, etc.  They are definitely used to brainless people as she handed me one of those tops.  I then got the lowdown on what was going to happen.  I was pretty good with it all and even did well with the needle and IV.  She explained when the contrast was added it would be a strange warm feeling.  Told her I could handle it.  So, since I had a zipper on my pants (I did refrain from saying pull up pants are for really, really old people as be careful of what you say was going through my head) my jeans had to be pulled down to my knees.  As I am going into this machine, with my arms up and my pants down all I could think of was damn, hope I don’t have a heart attack here and then she adds the contrast.  Wow—it hit the belly and then the bladder—which actually scared me for a moment as it was so warm… and just use your imagination.  Whew, I was worried.  (side note—I now have a bag with sweats packed… just in case).  This all took less than 10 minutes and I was done until the chemo class.  Mom and I had plenty of time to go and eat.  Good thing too as while we were sitting there I really did feel funny and actually told her.  And for those of you who know Mom, for me to admit that, I must have been worried.  She immediately asks “are you going to faint?” and being the smart child who knew better this time, instead of the usual how the hell do I know retort, I simply said “I don’t think so.”  She replied, “well at least you are sitting down.”   Yeah, that really makes a difference if I faint and crash to the floor as I will still crash to the floor and I will still hit my head which houses my brain which is apparently having issues to begin with.  Needless to say, I did not faint and she did not even ask for the car keys.

            So we go back and I get my chemo class with Lauren and Shelia, both chemo nurses.  The DVD was interesting.  One of those educational things which was in simple terms. I got to hear all about the possible side effects.  Lovely…  Then Lauren explained the chemo drugs and their side effects.  None of which apparently happen on the same day… lovely again.  She then explained that some people experience weight gain.    Here I was all excited I would LOSE weight courtesy of the chemo diet and there she is telling me I might be one of those who gains.   Well, crap.  And to think I have already PLANNED what I was going to wear to Christine’s wedding, she sucked the joy right out of that. We then took a tour of the chemo room; not too bad and I can bring food with me too.  I just can’t wait.  And the best part of it all, if I have to pee, I can unhook the bag and drag it with me, not to mention I can walk around if I have the urge.  Gotta look at the bright side. 

            Speaking of the bright side, when I got home, I had a package waiting for me.  Due to the fact I know I am going to lose my hair, I wanted to get some hats ( I am planning on a wig, will get that set up in the am, but have no fear, I have no guts to go crazy so no Lady Gaga) and I also got what looks to be like  road kill.  It is hair for under a hat.  When I showed it to Gaye, she told me just to go bald and wear a scarf or hat to work.  But I was determined.  It is hilarious… I tried to put it on, but it does not work with the hair I have now, so I will wait.  I might have to get Kim to trim it as it seems to be a wee bit long in the bangs. But the hats are cute and I was able to put my hair up and get a little bit of an idea what bald might look like.   I am screwed.  And on that note, I am going to bed to get ready for more tests tomorrow, and to make it one more day closer to being able to plan.   Jeremiah 29:11.