With a grateful heart

Today I had the privilege to be one of the speakers for our annual Laity Sunday at church.  I will say I was set up.  When MJ asked me to talk, I held off thinking no way.  Stupid me, I then asked what was the topic.  When she smiled and said gratitude, I knew I was hosed.  I tried to avoid the inevitable by telling her I had to pray about it, but she knew and I knew I had to say yes.  (a big shout out to Lisa Brown who came up with the theme--- yes, I know and yes, someday I will get back at you—when you least expect it).

             Strangely enough, I struggled over what to say.  I was not sure which road to take and I have about 7 unfinished versions to back me up.  Pastor Bill told me to use my blogs—then he got this funny look and said, well, maybe some of the things in the blog.  I took pride in knowing he was probably worrying about what was going to come out of my mouth.  He did not have to as if I said anything I should not have, Mom would have killed me. 

Below is what I said—there were a few minor additions and I will have to say I was pretty darn proud of myself as I did not do that Jersey fast talk and I only lost my place I think 3 times.  It was a wonderful service as not only was it Laity Sunday, it was Quilt Sunday—the quilters—have now made 1032 quilts for Barium Springs Home for Children and the Serenity Garden and Columbarium was dedicated. 

So here you go!

I was 6 weeks old when I was adopted.  All I know is my biological mother was 16, from North Carolina and was sent to New Jersey to have me. I have never had the need to seek her out, but if I did, it would be to say thank you for loving me so much and to let her know I was okay and have had a wonderful life.   God placed me exactly where I was supposed to be.  When I was almost 2, we “got” Billy and the family was complete.  Up until I was 10 and Billy was 8, we had your typical childhood.  It was then Dad was diagnosed with cancer and the world as we knew it changed.  He died 2 years later and while he was gone, I still had a wonderful life.  I was surrounded by people who loved me—including my church family who were so important during Dads illness and death and I was raised with God in my life. Life was different without Dad, but it was good and Mom made it so.    3 years later, my best friend’s mother Sue  died of cancer and I remember telling Mom I was so thankful she was the one still alive as even though I missed Dad, I needed my mom.    Words I have said a million times over throughout the course of my life. I remember thanking God in my prayers for giving me my family as I saw being blood related was not always what it was all cracked up to be. 

Then my cousin Mark got cancer.  He was 2 years older than me and was 39 when he died.  He suffered.  His bible verse was James 1: 2-4—Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of you faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  He lived this to the moment he died.   He struggled, yet was at peace.  I never quite understood how he did it and then I got cancer and it all fell into place.

            I found the lump late on Monday, December 5, 2011.  I knew what it was the moment I found it and I cried.  I did and said nothing.  I checked again Tuesday night and that dang thing was still there so I cried a bit more and called Dr Jones the next morning and was in her office within 2 hours.  All the time I was like really?  Seriously?  I had just had a mammogram in July which supposedly was good—so what the heck? I had a moment of denial—but deep down I still knew.  And on December 29, I sat down with Dr Alison Lynn and she says “I do not need a biopsy to know it is cancer.”   3 things popped into my head—first—oh crap I have cancer second—I don’t have a bucket list and third—I am attached to my hair. She told me she thought it was Stage One and it looked like it had not spread so the treatment would just be radiation.  She had just confirmed what I had known for weeks and I was filled with this amazing calmness and peace—a peace that only God can give and I knew with certainty, I was going to be fine. 

      On January 6, I had a lumpectomy and I knew the moment Dr Lynn walked into recovery my life was just about to get a bit more exciting and my hair was history.  Turns out it was in the lymph nodes and it also turned out that I was Stage 3 and since I had lymph node involvement, I was looking at about 6 rounds of chemo followed by radiation.  Again I was at peace and again I knew without a doubt I was going to be fine.  But that bump in the road had just become a really large pothole. Still, there was much to be thankful for.  Stage 3 was better than Stage 4 and 4 out of 20 nodes was a whole lot better than 15 out of 20 and I had plenty of sick leave.

 In your heart you plan your life, but the Lord decides where your steps take you.   Proverbs 16:9

            I believe God is always with you and while everyone faces obstacles, trials or whatever you might call them, he also gives you the tools—or as I thought of them—nourishment-- to get through those times.  You just have to open your heart and mind and take it for what it is.   My nourishment came in many forms.  From people I never expected to be there to those who went above and beyond.  It came from my wacky sense of humor—I named everything—Portia was my port, -- then she ruptured and Pedro the pic line took over.  My wigs were Scarlett and Lizzie – you get the idea.   I also have this ability to remove myself from the moment at hand by focusing on something else—it is like I am really not there.  Strange, I know, but it has come in handy.   And more importantly, I realized – quickly I might add-- the more I let God take over, the more I let my faith grow, the better I was.  I am not sure when I first noticed the sign—it was in December, and on the right in Ogden.  Your typical church sign.  It said Be still and know I am God.  That sign stayed up until March—at which time it changed to Walk by faith….not by sight.  It changed a few more times, always speaking to me.  In August, when it changed to Yard Sale Saturday, I knew I was through the worst.

            For me, the blessings I received from my cancer far outweighed the negatives. While I never did things the easy way, everything was always, in my mind, doable.  I did 6 rounds of chemo and ended up in the hospital 4 out of those 6 times.  It drove Dr Kotz nuts.  The first time I ended up on the 10^th floor, he told me it could be 5 days.  I rolled my eyes and said no way it will be no more than 3 and he said my job is to keep you safe—something he repeated time and time again.  He also said he was going for the cure and he did not want to decrease the chemo.  Well, he did what he said; he got the cure and kept me safe, even when I threw him all those curve balls.  And I never spent more than 3 days either.  After chemo I was delighted to be cremated for 6 ½ weeks. Every day, Monday – Friday 4:30 pm standing appointment.   Someone commented on my blog that her father said radiation was a piece of cake—if that someone is sitting in this room—he lied.    I was burned from the inside out and to me it was worse than chemo.  At least with chemo I was drugged most of the time.  Still, it could have been worse. Many times I assumed the radiation position and tossed up a thank you prayer to God for being able to treat me, although it would have been better if it did not hurt as much.   

      Back to my blessings— topping the list is the people—family, friends, church family, medical staff, strangers, patrons—you name them and they were there.  I received cards, gifts and advice from friends and strangers. It was a bit overwhelming at times—but, as I had been advised to do, I embraced it.  Very, very humbling, yet I am so very thankful to be surrounded by such caring people.   It would take too long to point out everyone, but I would like to publicly say thank you to Mom as there is no way on earth I could be the caregiver she was.   Speaking of Mom—remember I found the lump the night of December 5?  That was also the night PW women met—and that was also the night when they went around the room asking for prayers and she gave a praise—she was thankful for her children’s health.  She has promised to never ever say that again.   A little late for me, but hopefully Bill will be spared.  Speaking of my brother, I would like to publically thank him as well.  As surgeon he came in quite handy at times—even if he did say—oh don’t worry, it is nothing.

       There were some people I thought would step up and they did not.  It took me a little by surprise until I realized they just did not know what to say or do.  And I got it and understood completely.  And then there were people who popped in when I never expected—and they will always be a part of my life.  And lastly, there are those who came in, helped me and drifted away— everyone had a purpose and I am so thankful for each and everyone. 

            I am thankful for all cancer has given me and honestly, I would not trade it for anything in the world.  To me the biggest negative was it affected so many people who love me and I hated that.  I hated I was a reminder to those who had walked this road before me and I hated Mom had to be a caregiver yet again. 

            I learned so much about myself and the world around me.  I learned that if I left my day planner at home, my world did not come to an end.  I learned that if I did not get to it, life still went on.  I learned to just let it go.  I learned there are much worse things than chemo, and losing my hair did not define me.  I found out chemo brain does exist and there are side effects to everything.  I learned by being positive, you could change an outlook.  I learned I was loved, cared for and special.  I learned kids get it sometimes better than adults.   I learned a card could make a day, Renee Beckers’s chicken soup cured all and wigs can be misplaced.  I learned by saying now what and no, that will never happen, was a sure sign it would happen.  I learned things I could have gone my entire life not knowing. I also learned my friends are worth their weight in gold and I hope and pray that if ever the circumstances are reversed, I can pay it back 10 fold. 

     Earlier I said I had a blog—I did the blog for 2 reasons—first to keep people up to date and second, it was a release for me.  During the past few weeks, I have read it from the beginning to my latest post.   As I was reading and remembering, it felt kind of like a dream—as if it had never happened.  But it did and I made it through.  I do wonder if I would have approached this the same way if I knew it was terminal.  I sure hope so. 

    If you are familiar with Facebook, then you know what a cover picture is. For those of you who are not familiar—when you log onto a person’s profile—there is a banner of sorts and that is the cover picture.  I have changed it once in a while, but I always go back to what is on there today.   It says there is always, always, always something to be thankful for. 

     I am so thankful to be a child of God.