Let it be....

    
     I didn't want to go to the last Advent Bible Study, but I figured since I had just gone on the prayer chain for an upcoming biopsy, I better go. One of the discussions centered on Mary and her response to the angel Gabriel when she was told she was to give birth to a son... Mary trusted in God and said "Let it be." In other words, so be it or as many of us, including myself say, it is what it is.  Little did I know I would be using those very words 2 weeks later. 
     Rewind to Monday, December 5.  I found a lump in my right breast. Of course, I said nothing and on Wednesday decided it was time to call my doctor as something was just not right.  2 hours later I was in her office and she was agreeing with me; probably nothing, but to be sure, she was scheduling me for another mammogram and an ultrasound.  I figured it was nothing as I had my annual mammogram in July and it was clear.  I called Billy and since he thought it would turn out to be nothing too, I told Mom.  So off I went on December 14.  My doctor called me the next day and told me a biopsy was in my near future, hopefully for the next week. However, it was scheduled for the 29th. I tried to get in earlier, but I couldn't.  In hindsight, I am glad of that.  It was then I decided it was time to go on the prayer chain as I had a gut feeling it was not going to be good.  Yet that Sunday I heard about all these women who had gone through something like this and it was nothing.  I hoped, I prayed, but I knew.
     So on the 29th, Betsy, picked me up and off we went. Mom was not allowed as she tends to drive me nuts at times like these (okay-- I told Billy she could make a dead person nervous) but I did tell her it was not personal as she is much better in the doctor/nurse/let me ask questions mode. With Betsy in the waiting room, Dr Allison Lynn sat me down, told me it was not good and the biopsy would verify it.  My first thought was oh crap, I have cancer; then, I don't have a bucket list and then, crap, I am really attached to my hair.  I teared up once, then was fine as she told me it is curable and more than likely stage one, but let’s get the ultrasound out to see if it has spread.  (Yeah, I needed to hear that one… I was still stuck on the hair).  At this time it looks to be in just the one area, so that is a blessing.  I know she knows what she is doing as she had already cleared time on Tuesday morning to have a sit down to set up the surgery plan and apparently has time set aside for the surgery as well. (Betsy said she must have known I was anal and a planner when I had my 2011 and 2012 day planners with me.  Hey-- I wanted to be prepared and I am open about being anal)! 
    The hard part was walking out and telling Betsy. I then called Billy who, just like Betsy was speechless.  I was pretty impressed with myself at this point.  I was handling it very well and they were speechless-- that does not happen often.  I then called Mom-- that went better than expected, but I knew that I had a few hours before I had to face her and by that time, she would have made a few calls.  I made a few more calls while Betsy and I ate and then of course hit up Starbucks. And more importantly, we laughed. 
      It sounds strange, but for the first time since December 5, I was calm and had a feeling of peace. I placed everything on hold until the biopsy.  It was over and I could move on.  Yes, as Dr Bill says... there is still a 10% chance it is nothing, but he has to say that.  I know it is cancer, I am at peace with it and I am ready to fight.  I have an awesome family, amazing friends, great coworkers, a loving church family, and I work in a community in which I have already felt the support and love.  I am blessed.  And, I am in God's hands.