The Golden Ring

In your heart, you plan your life.  But the Lord decides where your steps will take you.

Proverbs 16:9

Finally—the golden ring is almost mine.  Growing up, there was a carousel at the Asbury Park boardwalk where there was a golden ring.  The goal was to grab the ring as you were going round and round.  I never did get that golden ring—a) I was too short and b) I was too afraid to fall flat on my face.  However, that golden ring has always signified (to me at least) the prize or now, the end. 

             If you remember, when I was first diagnosed, Billy was in disbelief.  He was sure it was going to be nothing. As we all know, he was wrong (possibly the only time I really wish he had been right.  It just seemed wrong to run around yelling you were wrong, you were wrong in a joyous voice).    He was in such disbelief that I – teasing—said “hmmm, bet I could milk you for anything.”  He said “yup, anything.” I said “I want a cruise.” He said “Done.” From that point forward, I had something to look forward to; something to say it was over.  

             I have been planning this trip since the moment Billy said done.  I looked at every cruise imaginable. I looked at New England, I looked at Mediterranean, I looked at Alaska (I did put my foot down when Billy said Costa would be a great deal) and I finally settled on the Panama Canal and Billy said that if we were doing the Canal, we were going coast to coast.  For a fleeting moment I was worried about the length of the cruise, but when I passed it by Estell, I knew I was good. (I do feel a wee bit guilty, but the hell with it, I deserve this sucker!).  I originally had it ready for September, but fate stepped in and I was told it was too rainy.  Good thing too as Pia had her issue and there was no way on this earth I could have made it on a cruise.  4 months later and I am still exhausted when I leave work!

             As long as Mother Nature cooperates (please, please cooperate) we will be sailing away from Ft. Lauderdale tomorrow at 5:00pm.  Exactly one year to the day I got Damn Portia.  I will also celebrate the one year marks of my first meeting with Becca and Dr K, and the meeting with Dr N who very matter of fact pointed out it was Stage 3 cancer (something I did not know until them – Mom either) and in memory of my first chemo, I will have one (or two) shots of tequila. 

            I cannot believe a year has passed.  Yet, it seems so long ago and honestly, a life time ago at times.  I remember feeling crappy with the chemo, but I don’t remember how badly.  I remember ending up on the 10^th floor, but I don’t remember it being that bad.  And I don’t think it is chemo brain.  I think I am just ready to go on.  I get back to reality February 3 late.  And when I do everything will have come full circle.  And that golden ring will FINALLY be mine!

           

My nourishment

Cancer is a journey, but you walk the road alone. There are many places to stop along the way and get nourishment - you just have to be willing to take it. ~Emily Hollenberg

 One of the easiest, yet at times one of the hardest things to do, is to say thank you.  To me, a mere thank you does not even begin to touch the surface for everything this past year.  I have held off as I tried to figure out how to go about it.  I think have said thank you a million times, but I also felt I needed to do more with a few people.  Alas, a few months ago I thought I was ready and as I was trying to get the words out, I got all choked up and ended up walking out.  I know I got the point across, but the fact I was unable to control myself bothered me.  So, I am bagging the in person and here we go… it is time…

·         Mom— for everything.  Clean sheets rule and you are the Queen. Bill (gasp) was wrong—I was not out of turn—God knew there was no way on earth I could have been half the caregiver you were.  All hail the Queen!

·         Bill – for listening.  And for not telling Mom about that one night I had a fever even though she figured it out when I ended up on the 10^th floor.  And for learning not to complain about how rough your weekend on call was… especially the night before I had chemo.  (admit it—my “wanna switch” comment had you scared).  And I have a confession—when I was bald and you first came down, I took great pleasure in showing you my bald head because it made you uncomfortable. That was a highlight for me.

·         Betsy—for staying calm, although speechless, when I said it was cancer.  And then knowing only food and Starbucks would do.  And for everything else you did from bringing me socks, Snickers and tea to the 10^th floor and cards and just being the best friend anyone could ask for.

·         Mike—for not taking Betsy away from me when I needed her the most.  Yes, I know, you needed her too, but I needed her more.  Besides, if you left her all alone up there, you would have never heard the end of it.

·         Heather- for making me laugh… and cry.  You wear pink for me and I love you!

·         Luke—for being you—praying and giving me that Bible verse when I needed it the most. From the mouth of babes… you could teach some adults a few things or two.  And thank you for the best Valentine’s Day I ever, ever had.

·         Lori—for keeping me grounded and reminding me God is in charge.  And for making me laugh by picking on Heather.  And thank you for not mooning me at work. 

·         Pastor Bill—for being there.  And I forgive you for not bringing me a cupcake.  However, I have not forgiven you for eating the M&Ms.  Something to remember.  

·         Billie—for all my little gifts in my box, not to mention all the prayers.  Life is all about Plan B.  

 

·         Kim G—taking care of me as only you could.  And making my nails pretty since the hair was gone.  But it is back and who knows what you have planned.  I am scared. Kinda. 

·         Estell—for letting me work odd hours and for letting me figure it out on my own I didn’t need to be there.  Yup, stubborn is a Gemini thing!

·         Brenda—for picking out Lizzie.  Great choice.  I miss her at times.

·         Gaye, Lisa and Brandy—I never had to worry about work—I knew it was covered. I also know you had to deal with much more and for which I am sorry.  And I really am sorry I missed the conversation with Kevin and my hair.  And to think he never used to speak to us!

·         Rachel—you got a tattoo for a few of us—I am honored to be part of that group.  Better you than me—I have had enough needles to last me a million life times.

·         Aunt Sue- for crying when I lost my hair.  And for the hospital gifts.  And for all the prayers.  I can almost forgive the picture taking when I was bald.  I said, almost.

·         Dolores—for loving me and even laughing when you cried.  And I know you cried.  You always cry.  But I love you and thanks for the “sisters”.

·         Debi—for running for me.  And for my clinging cross—still right by my bed.  I know it brought back memories.  I hated that for you.

·         The Sisters: Christine, Heather, Jennifer and Jessica—you are all so very, very different, yet so alike.  And you all have hearts of gold.  Lucky me!

·         Wes—for making my Sunday mornings normal in my otherwise upside down world.  And for the record, I ended up with 37 hours of sick leave left. So there.

·         Deb S-for being the Prayer Queen.  Enough said.

·         Laurel—for being the bestest cousin anyone could ask for.  And thanks for visiting and understanding.  And sending me things.  You rock!

·         Erin—for going to the shearing with me.  You were a great stand in for your mom.  And for keeping up with me too.

·         Sawyer Beth—for being the first one to really make me cry – it was the first card you all signed—figures it was you.  And for all those texts to see how I was. Always made me smile.  Yiza loves you!

·         Facebook friends—too many to mention.  Your posts made me smile and laugh—and cry at times.  The support was overwhelming.  Thank you.

·         Those who walked this road before me—thank you for sharing and being there.  I just wish there wasn’t so many of you.

There are so many others—Jessica for the first prayer shawl—blew me away; JoAnn for that awesome washcloth—yes Jo, I still use it and you made it and I love it!; Renee for the soup—the only thing I wanted at times;  Mary B for the masks ;Bob for that ham thing that hit the spot when nothing else did;  Mary L for the rides to chemo and the Glow Place; Kathy for her prayer shawl, Margaret and Ruth with prayer shawls from their churches; Judy and Howard for my angel;  Bonnie for the Cancer Sucks lollipop arrangement—I can’t bear to part with that; Sue and her cheesecakes and all the cards, flowers, calls, gifts  made me feel so good and special. So did the pink hair in October (Luke—I wish I could have seen yours in person, but know that I loved it!).   And all the prayers—I know there were bunches as I felt them every day.    I know I have forgotten things and people—and since I have 5 years to do so--I will blame thechemo brain. Please know I am so very thankful and so very humbled by it all.  I have been nourished beyond my wildest dreams.  Thank you all for the nourishment.