Rearview Mirror.....

I don’t need a biopsy to know it is cancer--Dr Lynn, December 29, 2011    

         It was a year ago today when life changed.  Exactly a year has passed since I sat in that room (a room in which I have become very familiar with) and listened to Dr. Lynn say the cancer word (granted I knew what she was going to say-- but still, not something you enjoy hearing). And it was a year ago today Betsy and I sat in Cracker Barrel trying to make sense of it all.  Looking back, I would like to say just my life, but I can’t-- it touched others in ways I am sure I will never know just as it touched my family and friends in ways in which I wish it had not.  I know I will never look at a mammogram the same.   I will always wonder if they missed something—and I am willing to bet I will always have that feeling.  However, I can honestly say  I have been blessed beyond measure and cancer has given me many gifts. While I would rather have skipped this particular gift,  the positives have far outweighed the negatives and it really is true. There are no words which will ever be enough to thank those around me for everything.  It has been a humbling experience.  As my life returns to normal-- or rather my new normal-- I hope I will always remember the lessons I have learned and to pay it forward.  Now, let’s have some fun and blame the chemo brain if some of these have been said before. 

Things I have learned this year:

1.        The light at Shipyard and Independence is evil.

2.       According to the Health Department, you have to flush twice up until 48 hours after chemo.

3.       Respect the light (Krispy Kreme for those who have no clue…).

4.       Hot flashes are hell.

5.       I should have signed up for the Aflac Cancer policy… I would have been rich!

6.       I am stronger than I ever thought.

7.       Chemo is all about the bags—my favorite was the valium.

8.       The first time you pee after chemo it is red… apparently I had been warned.  

9.       Humor is essential—yet many do not have that gene—found that out many times.

10.   Banking sick leave is a good thing.

11.   Naps are awesome.

12.   Fatigue can get worse.

13.   The water fall in the waiting room at Dr K’s always make me have to pee. 

14.   Pediatric gowns make great hats.

15.   God answers prayers.

16.   Night nurses love the Food Network.

17.   A good wig is worth the money.

18.   Root Beer is not part of the low bacteria diet.

19.   Calf cramps are now a way of life.

20.   Ditto for vertigo.

21.   Don’t ever say “now what”.

22.   Cards mean the world. So do flowers.

23.   You can never have enough thermometers.

24.   Nurses keep a stash of snacks—nothing like a cherry ice at 3:00am.

25.   I can live without bangs.

26.   Hell, I can live without hair.

27.   The quality of toilet paper is essential.

28.   Ditto for tissues.

29.   Clean sheets are heaven.

30.   Friends are a gift from God.

     31.   Life goes on.

32.   Some people gain weight during chemo.

33.   I am loved.

34.   Hospitals have strangely comfortable pillows…. Yet they are waterproof.

35.   Kids get it.

36.   The elevator at Dr Lynn’s is the slowest I have ever seen… and all for one floor.  Never have been able to find the stairs.

37.   Hot showers affect the electric bill more than I thought.

38.   Nothing, and I mean nothing, can compete with a great nurse.

39.   Family is more than blood.

40.   I learned to embrace whatever was thrown at me.

41.   Hair grows slow when you want it to grow and fast when you don’t

42.   Facebook was a godsend.

43.   The amount of money I spent on my hair in the past was rather large… it will be nice to spend it again. 

44.   Faith is essential

45.   The money I saved in hair products was spent on cupcakes.

46.   I can only live without my day planner for so long,

47.   Chemo brain is real.

48.   There is actually a Cancer Dating Service… who knew?! 

49.   My mom is great.

50.   I did it! I am a cancer survivor!

 

 

Princess Gwinny

        Let me introduce myself.  My name is Gwinny and I am the youngest pug of what had been known as the Pug Posse at the Barrett household.  I say was as Zoe, bless her little heart, and went to Rainbow Bridge in March at the ripe old age of 16 and then Polly that annoyingly cute pug followed in June at the age of 12 with what I heard was cancer.  I kinda miss her as Ollie is just a lazy old man who has no sense of humor.  At least Polly went back at me.  Ollie, he is a whole other story.

        I am a princess and not one of those adopted, rescue pugs.  I am exactly what a pug should look like—cobby, flat faced and my tail is beautiful as it curls 2 times.  And I have 2 eyes… something old man Ollie can’t say. And I do have my hearing, which benefits the old man as unlike him, I can hear when the word treat is uttered and when I run, he follows.  My Daddy is Dr. Bill but since he works long hours to support my grand lifestyle, my Grandma Andie has custody.  Aunt Liza used to love me and let me sleep with her, but then SHE got cancer and I was not allowed as APPARENTLY I am a germ carrying pug.  I was then deported downstairs to Granny’s and I like it just fine.  Sometimes I sneak upstairs and break into Aunt Liza’s room and if the rug is in the right place, I can jump right onto the bed.  However, I did that a few months back and boy was she mad.  I was aiming for the bottom of the bed, but landed on Portia—whoever that is. Needless to say, she now makes sure her door is shut tight. 

            Back to me, as it is ALWAYS about me.  I have those humans wrapped around my pretty little paws.  I know just how to work them and make them think I am the cutest thing going.  Heck, I even had Granny thinking Polly was attacking me for years.  But Aunt Liza blew that as she was sure it was me.  She caught me one night going after Polly.  Still, I achieved my goal of not having to sleep with her.  Polly had issues and had to have a bed buddy and since I am a princess, I am way above sleeping with another dog.  Luckily old man Ollie is so laid back—he had no problem dealing with that Polly and her insecurities so he bore the brunt of it, usually without complaining.  But once in a while he would just sleep somewhere else—that always makes me snort to think about it. 

            Have I told you I LOVE food?!  Well, I do.  Naturally of course since pugs are eaters.  I try to watch my figure, but who can resist a treat when it is offered freely?  Besides, if I look really, really sad and pathetic, I can get more.  As you can see, I am smart too.  Just a little wiggle of my perfect tail and I get what I want.  Humans really are easy.

            Speaking of humans, I really upset Granny last week.  She took me to the vet for this lump I was unable to see.  And believe it or not, it turned out to be cancer of all things.  I immediately thought of Polly and the little box she now occupies and shivered—I am too young to be in that box—pretty as it is.  Then I remembered Aunt Liza did the cancer thing this year too and she is not in a box, so I would just be like her.  Then I thought whoa….she lost her hair—YIKES!  No way did I want to look like one of those nasty Chinese Crested things that are called dogs.  But luckily I heard Granny telling someone—not sure who as she talks on the phone every morning to her sister and a lot of times with some lady names Anne—who makes her laugh and laugh.  Anyway—she told whoever that all I needed was surgery and I would be fine. Whew… pug snorts all around.

            Today I went in for surgery and I am doing well, thank you for asking.  I did so well they even cleaned my teeth for me!!!  I think we have to wait to see what the tests say, but the vet says I am good to go.  I even get to come home tonight as Daddy is coming home to watch over me.  I have my paws crossed as when he came home for Aunt Liza’s surgery, he was useless.  I helped her more than he did.  But I am sure Granny will have my back—she always does and being the princess I am, I am sure she will be making me all comfy, loving me and making me one of my favorite meals—chicken and rice.  Yay me!  Off to rest while I wait for my ride home so I can be the Puggy Princess and I am going to milk this as long as I can. 

A year ago....

Having had cancer, one important thing to know is you're still the same person at the end. You're stripped down to near zero. But most people come out the other end feeling more like themselves than ever before.
                                                                       Kylie Minogue

          December 5, 2011.  December 7, 2011.  December 14, 2011.  December 29, 2011.  And so it begins.  And aside from December 7—all dates which until last year, were, just that, dates on the December calendar. In a few hours, it will be one year to the day in which I found that damn lump.  I remember when I found it I started to cry.  I knew deep down exactly what it was and I was a wee bit pissed.  So, I did nothing and figured I would check it again the next night as just maybe it would not be there.  No such luck as it was still there.  Damn lump.   The phone call to Dr Jones got the wheel started and that wheel has gone round and round since. 

           As I have pointed out, I knew.  Yet, I also knew I was going to be okay.  And while there were a few who thought it was the end, it never crossed my mind.  Seriously, it never did.   On top of it all, I really had no idea what I was in for.  All I could think of was how I hate to throw up.  I remember how nauseated Dad had been and that was my biggest fear about cancer (I am happy to say I never did either! I know TMI).   I wondered briefly how I was going to look bald and I thought how nice it would be not to have to go on a diet (Of course I would be in the percentage who gained weight). 

        To say it has been a year is an understatement.  I experienced a lot of firsts since I found that sucker and while it was a bump in the road (or really a pain in the ass); it was, as I have said, doable.  I did not plan to be one of the 1 in 8, but I am.  I certainly did not want to have short hair—or no hair for that matter, but I have these curls now and it really is easy to do in the mornings.  Funny how I used to think the worst thing in the world was to have my bangs cut too short.  Now I wonder if I will ever have them again! 

        I have changed.  There is no way a person can go through this and not change in some way.  I see things differently and yes, it is hard to explain.  I have always been sensitive to others and very sentimental.  Now it is on an entirely different level.   I know what made me smile and made my day.  It was the little things.  It was the cards from people who I thought barely knew me, it was the prayer shawls from people I knew and complete strangers.  It was the gifts and just the outpouring of love.  I hope I can pay it forward and do unto others as they have done to and for me. 

        I am still anal and my day planner is again the center of my world.  I am trying to do too much and while my plate is overflowing, I am blessed to have a plate I can fill.  I get still get tired at the end of the day and I have been told it will end at some point—in a few months.  Apparently vertigo is a side effect of chemo and I am dealing with that.  And yes, I find that amusing.  And the chemo brain is still going full force.  Yet, I have found myself remembering and retaining more.  Comprehension is another story.  I wonder if it will ever come back.  It kills me not to understand things which I normally would. Luckily I am surrounded by understanding, patient people. I am back to working fulltime and I am glad to be back and at the desk.  It is so good to be back. 

        Honestly, I am a little nervous about all the dates coming up as I know me and I know I will just think and more than likely over think it all.  But it is what it is and I have done what I needed to do. 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus

Almost.....

There is always, always something to be thankful for—my cover picture on Facebook

            As some of you know—and for those who are not Facebook junkies—for the past 2 years—this being the 3^rd year—each day during the month of November, I have posted something I was thankful for.  Some days were easier than others (today I am thankful for my job).  Some days were serious (today I am thankful for my family) and some were rather silly (today I am thankful for whoever invented the gas light).        As November approached this year, I figured I would continue since this has obviously been one of those years to be giving extra thanks. 

            What I did not expect, was the range of emotions I experienced while deciding what I was thankful for on a certain day.  I cried when I was thankful for Heather and Lori; I laughed when I was thankful for the makers of nausea, morphine and oxycodone; I was humbled when I was thankful for Betsy and I felt guilty when I was thankful for Gaye, Lisa and Brandy for all they had to do.    I felt pride when I was thankful for my Sunday School class and I got a warm and fuzzy feeling on those days in which I was thankful for all the nurses, PA’s, support staff as well as Dr Lynn and Dr K (they had different days—could not just lump them all together!).  I admit to being overwhelmed most days when I thought back to January and everything since then.        

            I am still not done—almost there—again I might add—but not quite.  PIA is still PIA and I am still packing.   However, instead of the 1 inch tape, I am now down to the ¼ inch so the end is in sight.  Since apparently I am not the only one with memory issues—I will address chemo brain in a moment-- back in October I was gloating about winning a battle with Dr Lynn about her “reopening” PIA (she didn’t), but knowing that come November 27 she would win that battle.  I won again! (Well, not really).    PIA is healing very nicely and she is going to use me as an experiment (lovely).  I am to pack until I can no longer pack at which time I will use a bandage to keep germs out of what will then be—according to her—a pinhole.  IF for some reason PIA decides to hold true to her name and become infected again, she (Dr Lynn, not PIA) will go back and revisit the situation and if she does, it will not be like last time when I ended up in surgery and on the 2^nd floor for 3 nights.  Speaking of, and keeping with the ignorance is bliss mindset, it seems Dr Lynn and especially Billy, had been extremely worried about the staph infection back when I had to have PIA drained.  Dr Lynn kind of mentioned it this week and later that same night Mom told me Billy had been really worried too—which explains why Billy spent his weekend off in the hospital with me.  And to think I thought he was just bored and had nothing better to do.

            In addition to Dr Lynn, I had an appointment right before her with my radiologist, Dr N.  When I went to sign in, Peter, one of my techs, walked by—heard me talking to the receptionist and did a double take—and started laughing at my curls.  Then the nurse came to get me and did the same thing—as she was making me get on that damn scale.  Not funny.  Dr N then comes in and he starts laughing at my curls.   What could I do aside from just shake my head?  (Apparently my curls are a source of amusement for many people—but I especially like the people who come in and say “I like your haircut and I had no clue your hair was so curly.” Well, neither did I.  I have not voiced it – yet).  Anyway, he cleared me and I do not have to go back for 4 months.  Nice!

            Okay—time to address the chemo brain.   Earlier this week, NBC Nightly News had a segment on it how it does exist.  I was watching with Mom when the woman they interviewed (an author) talked about when she was going through chemo her thoughts were foggy and how she searched for words and still continues to do so.  Mom looked at me and asked if that is how I felt.  And yes, it is.  The fog has lifted on a lot of things, and while the memory is getting a bit better, it is nowhere near where it had been.  For example, we had a bunch of people join the church while I went through chemo.  I met them all and most of them, I cannot tell you their names or could I pick some of them out of a crowd—so not me.   I find that if I don’t make a list, I will not remember (of course I lose the lists which then creates another problem).  And words escape me now—especially when in a conversation.  And comprehending things—nope—not happening for the most part.  Baby steps I keep telling myself.  Frustrating—you bet—but it is what it is.  It could be worse.

            I ended my Facebook thankfuls this morning this way:  As strange as this sounds, I am thankful for this year.  The blessings have far outnumbered what I went through.  I am so grateful and so very, very blessed. 

            And I am lucky, so very lucky, to have so many awesome people in my life—near, far, in person and in the computer—there really are no words.

           

Time marches on....

Milestone: An important event; a turning point.

                Back in September, I promised Dr K I would get something for flu prevention. He said my immune system was still pretty much shot and although it is getting better each day, he wanted me to stay that way.   He said shot and I said spray, but I agreed.  After all, I did get the spray last year and never got the flu.  Got breast cancer, but never did get the flu.

            So on Monday, 328 days after the last time I had sat waiting for Dr Jones, I found myself in the room where it all began, waiting on her.  She walks in, looks at me and says “I know you are thinking it—back to where it all began.  Tell me about it.”  So I did.  I told her I owed her so much for giving me Dr Lynn who in turn gave me Dr K and I had been so lucky and blessed with my medical care and all those involved.  I then told her I drove Dr K nuts by ending up in the hospital so many times, and how Portia ruptured – she said I bet she  (Dr Lynn) was ticked- I assured her ticked was not the right word, but she was already laughing thinking about it.  (She knows my crazy surgeon).  And I got a physical.  A normal physical.  NORMAL!!!!!  She then asked me about all those normal things—glucose, cholesterol, etc and I told her I had not had labs in ages and did not know.  As it was an afternoon appointment, she knew I had eaten, but she asked just in case we could work around it.  I confessed to eating  Big Mac—something I have not had in months and will not have again for a few more months and of course she says—did you have fries?  Why yes, I did have a few.  Then damned if I did not get the look and the you need to lose a few pounds talk.  Well crap.   I tried to tell her how Dr K always told me I was at a good weight (I forgot to mention I always yelled back at him a good weight for who) but she was having none of it.  So much for the cancer excuse. 

            Anyway, while we were talking, I remembered I had been a wee bit sick when I got the flu spray and since elections are so close, and I cannot be sick as it is going to be a long day (Chief Judge here..:)), I mentioned not getting the spray for a week or two.  She says fine and then says she needs to think about me getting the spray. “Why?”  I ask—“well” she explains “the spray is live and the shot is not.”  Double crap.  She laughed her head off when I said (under my breath but apparently loudly) “the hell with Dr K… I am NOT getting a shot. Besides, I don’t see him until March.”  However, as I was leaving I was told I WOULD be getting the shot when I came in for blood work.  Lovely. 

            It’s been a while since I updated, so here are a few things—milestones if you would—I have conquered?!  First, while Pia is still an open wound, I am now packing it myself.  When I informed Dr Lynn of this on Tuesday, she said “oh, your poor mother.  It was her job.”   I told her Mom was now able to more freely about her life.  She then told me it was about time to do it on my own. I told her to make up her mind.  By the way, apparently Pia is going to take a while to heal due to my compromised immune system courtesy of the radiation.  We are talking January.  Lovely. And she will not let it close until she is ready.  Translated that means she will be opening it again (in the office) in the near future.  I will say her near future was Tuesday and my near future is November 29.  I won that battle.  Of course we all know how I am.  Bet I will be calling her in a few weeks.  Then I will have to hear how she is always right…

            I also ditched Scarlett and Lizzie.  I was hoping to do it October 1 for Breast Cancer Awareness month, but I walked into work on Saturday, September 29 and told Gaye it was driving me nuts.  She said take it off—so I did.  Funny, I always knew I would lose the wig while working with Gaye.  Have not put them on since.  Liberating, but scary at the same time.  It was very short those first few weeks and the reactions were amusing at times.  The one that killed me was “I love your new haircut.”   Seriously, do you really think I did this on purpose was all I wanted to say to some people.  But I refrained.  My other response was “my oncologist made me do it.”  I tried that out a few weeks ago on one of my patrons who laughed and laughed and then it turns out she knows Dr K.  Great… just great was my thought!  Many people did not know I had been sick, they just thought I was working different hours—tells you how great Scarlett and Lizzie really were!  The real hair is coming back nicely—thick and curly.  And it is at that stage in which people just want to touch it—makes me laugh. 

            Drum roll please….. I worked 40 hours last week!!  The first time since the week before Thanksgiving of last year!  Yes, it just about killed me, but it would have been a nice kill.  I am basically there.  Yes, I am probably overdoing it—not just at work; I am getting my life back.  It is a wonderful feeling. 

            Life has gone on and I am so thankful I am still here for the ride!

 

And the beat goes on....

On Monday I had the pleasure of seeing Dr K for a quick check on how the tamoxifen was going.  The conversation went something like this:

Me:  So I ended up in the hospital Labor Day Weekend.

Dr K—giving me this what in the world have you done now look: For what?

Me:  Somehow I managed to get a staph infection where the radiation took place.  (I then explained it all to him).

Dr K—shaking his head: How long where you there?

Me: 3 nights, I got a fever and you know how that is. 

Dr K:  figures.

Me:  Dr Lynn was off the first time I went down.  She came in to drain me as I was special.

Dr K:  Yes, definitely special—how much did she drain?

Me: Over 100 ccs.  It deflated like a bicycle tire.

Dr K—he just laughed. Poor guy still can’t figure out my sense of humor.

 

            It was good to see him and even better as he recapped my journey and said how happy he was and look how far we had come and aside from the daily pill, it was over.  Funny strange in that although my treatment ended August 10,  I was waiting for him, Dr K, my oncologist, the one who kept me safe and the one who I trusted without question, to tell me it was over and I was done.  And when he said it, I knew it was so and I could not stop smiling.  I smiled all through the instructions on what I was to do with my meds for the cruise and kept smiling when he said see you in 6 months.  The best part—he was smiling too. 

            My week continued and I got to see Dr Lynn for a follow up on Tuesday.  She was so proud of Mom and her packing.  Not to mention it is healing well.  She then proceeded to tell me the staph infection I had was not normal (yes, she was smirking) but although it is rare, it does occur in people with compromised immune areas and systems.  So Pia fit the profile.  (Of course she did….)

            Fast forward to this morning—Thursday—around 5:00am.  I woke up for some reason—I will blame Phil as he usually goes to work at that time and my windows were open—and I went to check on Pia and the wound.  Uh oh, I checked and I could not for the life of me find the end of the gauze strip which Mom leaves (for obvious reasons).  I got out the small mirror and a flashlight to see what I could see.  I have to be honest here; it was rather fascinating as it looked to be relatively clean while also being open.  (Yes, it was the first time I had bothered to look and it was not as bad as I would have thought).  However, I have told people this… okay, more like I have showed them, so start using your imagination and you might get it.  You know those blank faces with the 0 for the mouth… that is my wound.   And for those with no imagination....

 

 

 

 

 

         

    So back to the where in the world is the damn gauze.  I figured it had to be in there somewhere so I went back to bed thinking Mom could fish it out later.  Well later was 8:00am and I told Mom.  She came up to help and let’s just say she said it has to be stuck in there and it is breaking apart so I needed to call Dr Lynn.  I call, leave a message and then call Billy—he really has come through with this doctor thing.  Still, I do wish he had been a plastic surgeon.  Anyway, he said it would be fine so I was okay.  Mom was not.  I did not know how bad it was until we were on the way down and she said it was like a weight had been lifted when the office finally called.  Speaking of the office, I called and left a message with Lynette and finally Alicia called back and told me to get down there—and then asked me why I did not push the emergency button.  I told her I did not think it was an emergency.  She told me move it.  So we did. 

            We get to the office and Michelle goes with me—with Dr Lynn mouthing what a pain I was and she would be in shortly.  Michelle gets out the flashlight—and the two of us are jabbering away and she says “there is nothing in there.”  I tell her to keep looking as I had not seen it anywhere on the floor or on the bandage so it had to be in there.  She says no, but let’s see what Dr Lynn says.  At this point I am like oh crap, I can hear it now.  Dr Lynn comes in and pokes around—and for those of you wondering—it did not hurt at all—and says “the only thing in there is these fat things that look like broken gauze.”   I am telling her it has to be in there and my mind starts to go back and think.  And there is nothing that hits me.  Surely I would have known it was coming out.  Well, apparently not.  We all got a good laugh out of it and they did agree better safe than sorry.  Lynette was upset I drove all that way for nothing.  I told her not to worry; it was Chocolate Peanut Butter Cupcake day at Coastal Cupcakes so I was good.

             Mom, on the other hand, is in denial.  She swears it is still in there. I keep telling her Dr Lynn understood what she saw and she knew why she would think the gauze was in there and disintegrated.  We have looked and looked for the offending piece of gauze and it is nowhere to be found.  It is a mystery, but I am not complaining.  I got a Chocolate Peanut Butter Cupcake and the knowledge that even if I didn’t have a problem, Dr Lynn and her team has my back.  Again, I am blessed.

Packing and unpacking....

Ignorance is bliss…… me during this entire ordeal

 I should have known and packed a bigger bag.  Never crossed my mind I would be there for more than one night.  Come to think of it, it never crossed my mind it was a serious as it was. Pia hurt like hell and I knew there was an infection, but had no clue it was bad.  However, it apparently crossed other people’s minds.  As I said, ignorance is bliss and it has done me well these past months. 

That does sound strange, but one thing I have learned is what I don’t know is probably a good thing.  Way back when I was told cancer—I knew all would be fine.  Never crossed my mind it would be anything other than fine—just a bump in my road of life, but fine.  Never even thought about what Stage cancer it would be, so I was a wee bit surprised to hear Stage 3—those pesky lymph nodes.  When Dr K kept saying “my job is to keep you safe”, it never crossed my mind I wasn’t safe.  All I knew was my numbers dropped and I ended up in the hospital.  When Portia started stinging that night in the ER, it never occurred to me that dang thing was in my heart.  See the pattern?! So when Pia turned red and angry, it never crossed my mind it could be anything other than a bothersome infection.  And when Dr Lynn said she would operate and open the wound, it never crossed my mind there might be a problem.  Again, ignorance is bliss. 

The plan, as it were, was, whatever, was to go under around 11am Friday morning and stay overnight on the 2^nd Floor for wound care.  I was so excited to get in the pre-op room early as I was starving and the sooner we started, the sooner we would be done.  Hmmm.  I forgot about all those questions.  When was the last time you ate or drank anything? Are you allergic to anything? Etc, etc.  I also forgot about the IV.  Poor Nurse Patty.  I said no hand so she tried the arm and it did not work (I jumped for some reason) so into the hand it went (not as bad as it has been, so I was pleasantly surprised).  Luckily the blood stick went smoother.  And then the anesthesiologist came in—I went for deep sedation.  And I waited. And waited.  Dr Lynn and Michelle came in to say hi and Michelle took one look at Pia and was like oh my.  They left and then all the nurses who stopped in were concerned Dr Lynn did not mark it.  Finally someone comes back and says “Dr Lynn is not marking it as it is obvious where it is.”  (I refrained from saying I was thinking the same thing not to mention the thought of adding dumb a&% to the ending, as I was confident Dr Lynn already had). 

            The next thing I know I am in recovery and feeling mighty good.  Then I was on my way to my room.  Funny, I had given up on my wig—I wore Scarlett for the attitude, and while I was stopped outside my room for a moment, I looked in and saw one of my library patrons visiting her sister—I said hi there and it took her a minute as she knew the voice, but not the hair!  Too funny.  Anyway, I was plopped in my room and all was good.  I was on Percocet and morphine as needed.  I was happy. I was so happy that I was laughing each time I heard the bed alarm from the guy next door go off.  Poor man was not all there and was DETERMINED to get out of bed.  (Side note—I did not have an alarm as I was not a slip or a flight risk).   I was happy until Dr Lynn came in the next morning and “unpacked” me.   It was then I realized this was a wee bit more serious than I thought. (Of course her saying “this was deeper than I thought” probably helped too.) Apparently Pia was opened, drained, cleaned out and was packed—with like 8ft of gauze—then taped up only to be removed 2 times a day in the hospital.  The tape removal hurt more than anything—and yes, I did play it up a bit—but not much.  That crap hurts! Anyway, back to Dr Lynn and the unpacking.  It was like a magic show—she finally gets the tape off and she pulls and she pulls and she pulls.  I swear she pulled gauze for 2 minutes.  She finally says all done and I am like this is not too bad.  Then she says “let’s pack!”  Should have known.  Did I mention I love morphine?! Yikes!  (At this point I think I knew I was staying until Sunday as the wound was deep).

Long story short, Saturday night started early with a woman 2 doors down yelling help me, help me—sounded like a goat, but I was concerned.  I let her go on for another minute until I called my nurse—who did not answer—she was too busy lying on top of this lady who was trying to escape.  (Yes, I was on the surgery floor, not the mental floor).   Betsy and Erin came in around that time with questioning looks when she started up again.  She continued way past the time when  they left and finally calmed down.  By then the Code Red alarm was going off (fire somewhere) and my temp was at 101.  It was down by the time Dr Lynn did her rounds (another reason she wanted to do surgery on Friday—she was on call), but I still felt bad and asked if I could stay one more night.  She let me.

I kind of felt bad for Billy as he spent his weekend at the hospital, but I did point out it must be a different view.  It was and I think he has a different appreciation of what I tell him is the “dark side”.  He did come to get me on Monday and while there were grand plans of stopping at a few places, it did not happen.  I was wiped out.  And have been that way all week. 

Dr Lynn did let me go back to work and there are a few who think it is crazy.  I disagree.  My mental well being is very, very important too.  So a few hours a day will not kill me (okay, I did work 6 hours yesterday and it about killed me.  So 4 hours is my limit for a few weeks).  I even sent Estell an email giving in yet again and asking for help.  (See, I am getting the hang of this).  Granted it I thought I would be over and done with this, but my plans are not my own. And everything happens for a reason, right?  Sometimes I really would like to know why, but then again, half the time I don’t even think about it.  So yes, ignorance has been bliss.

And I shall call her......

For those of you not familiar with the true definition of Pia --it means pain in the ass.  So from now on, my right boob will be known as Pia, which I deem very appropriate given everything it has done to me this year.  Think about this. Pia sent me into surgery back on January 6 because of some pesky little tumor, which turned out not to be so little which then decided to share the joy with the lymph nodes.  From there I did 6 rounds of chemo, lost my hair, ended up in the hospital 4 out of 6 times, led me to visit the ER twice, gave me all sorts of side effects, gave me Portia, rejected Portia, made me settle for Pedro, sent me to be cremated for 33 treatments, and is now sending me back to the OR in the morning due to some silly infection.  Definitely a Pia.

             Dr Lynn knew when she came into the room this morning how it was going to shake out.  It must have been the fever—it had been 100.8 when Patty took it and well, even she knew it was not a good thing.  I knew before she even looked at Pia I was doomed.  So I asked her what she wanted to do. She explained 2 options and I said again, what you want to do.  She said I want to operate tomorrow and pack it.  I said okay and then maybe you should explain this a tad bit more. 

Dr Lynn:  I will filet it

Me (interrupting her): Crap, (not what I said but Mae Ling told me to watch it) I wanted a steak tonight but you just ruined that.

Dr Lynn: Get over it.  Again, I will filet it and will pack it with (can’t remember what she said but I think it was gauze).

Me (interrupting again): Does it stay in there?

Dr Lynn:  No, you will have to change it.

Me: Lovely.

Dr Lynn:  Here is the deal—by packing it, it will heal and the infection will go away.  The cavity, where the fluid and infection are at will start to heal from the inside outward.  However, since it is a radiated area, this could take 6-8 weeks.  I will do this tomorrow and I will keep you overnight for Wound Care.  You will be on the surgical floor with the surgical nurses who will show you what to do. (This was actually a longer conversation as I asked about my nurses on the 10^th floor—she said she would prefer to have the surgical nurses show me.  I caved as I would be closer to the chocolate chip cookies.)

Me:  This sucks.

Dr Lynn:  Yes, see you at 11:00am.

            It is now almost 9:00pm and I am packing a bag for yet another surgery and another stay at New Hanover.  A smaller bag this time as I know I will only be there one night. I really don’t know what to expect as far as pain or as far as recovery and what will be expected of me.  Dr Lynn did say I could go back to work next week and I will.  I am getting weary of these strange complications I seem to attract.  At least my hair is coming back nicely.  And yes, as it has been pointed out to me many, many times these past months, everyday is a good day, some are just better than others. 

James 1:17

           

I was this close......

So close.  Thought I was done, finished, and looking at this crap in the rearview mirror.  Apparently I have more to learn.  And I swear I did not say “now what” or “what next” or even “this could be worse.”  Nothing; nada.   Here’s the lowdown…

            Sunday, I started hurting around where the surgery took place—my right boob—yes, there—I said it; boob, the right one.  Probably should have named it but I didn’t.  So boob it is.  I knew I was retaining fluid in there as Dr N and I had talked about it and while it is normal, he told me to make an appointment with Dr Lynn anyway seeing as I had not seen her in months.    (Little did I know one week later I would be sitting on an exam table staring her in the eyes and bitching about the size of the needle she was going to use on me).   I digress… anyway, back to Monday.  I woke up and while I didn’t feel great, I was not worried.  I was off and although I had a few things on my agenda, I thought I was in the clear.   However, as I sat in a church meeting, I realized I was going downhill fast.   I still had a 2:00pm dentist appointment I really wanted to make. (I know, wanting to make a dentist appointment seems crazy, but he was going to fix 2 teeth).   As I left the meeting, I knew I had to take my temperature.  Remember those 3 thermometers I was attached to?  Well, took me 10 minutes to find only one.  Figures.  By this time I am chilled and getting a wee bit pissy.  I take my temp and it is 100.8 and since I run a degree low—it was really 101.8.  It took me a minute to figure out who I had to call and it was not Susan.  So I called Dr Lynn’s office as my boob was hurting, red and more than likely infected.  As always, I left a message.  This is not a complaint, I have to do this with all my doctors and they call me back promptly.  I figured I had enough time to take a shower to warm up and then hit the dentist.  (And yes, for those wondering why I would go to the dentist with a temp, I called and was told I would be fine.)  No call so I started out to the dentist. I hit Four Corners and they call me—I tell her the basics and the appointment maker makes an appointment for next Tuesday.  I tell her I need to see Dr Lynn by tomorrow.  She switches me to the office where I am told get down there now—Dr Lynn is off but Michelle (her PA) is there.  I mentioned the dentist and she just said get down here.  And I thought Susan was rough.  I went straight down there. 

            Michelle is awesome and to be honest, I was glad to see her.  She is a sweet as Dr Lynn is, well, anyway. She takes a look, is immediately concerned and says she has to aspirate it, but wants to talk to Dr Lynn first.  She makes the call and was back in 3 minutes telling me how special I must be as the doctor herself was coming in on her day off to aspirate the sucker.  I should have known.  That woman loves to inflict pain on me.  She acts really, really nice and concerned and then goes in for the kill—Portia is all I need to say.  She looks at my boob and says oh my—as she is getting this really big needle out.  I say no way in hell and she jut grins and says yes way.  But have no fear, you will be numb.  Great, lovely, oh joy and oh shit went through my head.  I did tell her she came in to joyfully inflict pain.  I think she laughed.

            The numbing stuff really did work and she knew it (the needle for the numbing is much smaller, but with the pain I was in—hurt like hell. Michelle, being the sweet one in the practice, held my hand and I did not cry.  Thought about it, but why give anyone fuel for a fire). Dr Lynn knows me well enough to where she told me not to even think of yelling that hurts as she had put enough numbing medicine in there.  She then proceeds to pull out over 100ccs of fluid out of my poor boob.  She promises I will feel better.  She gives me antibiotics and tells me to take Advil around the clock and she will see me Thursday morning at 9:30am.  I am out the door. 

             I did this all on my own as Mom was on her way back from Wilmington and I did not think I was going to feel as bad as I did.  I made a few calls and then called her.  She was good and I did not tell her it hurt like hell.  I saved that for later.  I really thought about not going on the prayer chain—and for those of you who did get it—notice I never said boob-- then I realized more prayers would never hurt. 

            Later Monday night, I took off the bandage from where she inflicted that huge needle and although it hurt like hell (see the pattern) my boob had deflated like a bicycle tire.  Seriously?   I had to laugh as there was not much else I could do.  I called Billy and he said to relax, it would be fine.  Speaking of Billy, I mentioned to Dr Lynn my plans for this weekend were to go to Charlotte.  She said she doubted she would let me go as she did not want me far from her and she was on call this weekend.  I told her I would be staying will Bill.  She said “your brother does not need to see your tit”.  Good point.  Unless a miracle happens, I will be staying home. 

            She lied to me as she said it would get better and while I will be grinning when I gleefully point that out—which I most certainly will—I know she is going to be concerned.  I am actually concerned.  Something I really have not been these past months and that does bother me.  Maybe because I thought the worst was over with and all I had to deal with was my hair.  Or maybe because although I have been tired, I have been feeling better and better each day.  I just don’t know. But I do know I am in good hands--God's and that nutty surgeon whom he gave a very special talent to and who will do anything to make sure I am in good health.

 

PS...  Mae Ling had taken pity and is sticking around for a bit and I am back to Gold Child status.  Always look at the positive!