Rearview Mirror.....

I don’t need a biopsy to know it is cancer--Dr Lynn, December 29, 2011    

         It was a year ago today when life changed.  Exactly a year has passed since I sat in that room (a room in which I have become very familiar with) and listened to Dr. Lynn say the cancer word (granted I knew what she was going to say-- but still, not something you enjoy hearing). And it was a year ago today Betsy and I sat in Cracker Barrel trying to make sense of it all.  Looking back, I would like to say just my life, but I can’t-- it touched others in ways I am sure I will never know just as it touched my family and friends in ways in which I wish it had not.  I know I will never look at a mammogram the same.   I will always wonder if they missed something—and I am willing to bet I will always have that feeling.  However, I can honestly say  I have been blessed beyond measure and cancer has given me many gifts. While I would rather have skipped this particular gift,  the positives have far outweighed the negatives and it really is true. There are no words which will ever be enough to thank those around me for everything.  It has been a humbling experience.  As my life returns to normal-- or rather my new normal-- I hope I will always remember the lessons I have learned and to pay it forward.  Now, let’s have some fun and blame the chemo brain if some of these have been said before. 

Things I have learned this year:

1.        The light at Shipyard and Independence is evil.

2.       According to the Health Department, you have to flush twice up until 48 hours after chemo.

3.       Respect the light (Krispy Kreme for those who have no clue…).

4.       Hot flashes are hell.

5.       I should have signed up for the Aflac Cancer policy… I would have been rich!

6.       I am stronger than I ever thought.

7.       Chemo is all about the bags—my favorite was the valium.

8.       The first time you pee after chemo it is red… apparently I had been warned.  

9.       Humor is essential—yet many do not have that gene—found that out many times.

10.   Banking sick leave is a good thing.

11.   Naps are awesome.

12.   Fatigue can get worse.

13.   The water fall in the waiting room at Dr K’s always make me have to pee. 

14.   Pediatric gowns make great hats.

15.   God answers prayers.

16.   Night nurses love the Food Network.

17.   A good wig is worth the money.

18.   Root Beer is not part of the low bacteria diet.

19.   Calf cramps are now a way of life.

20.   Ditto for vertigo.

21.   Don’t ever say “now what”.

22.   Cards mean the world. So do flowers.

23.   You can never have enough thermometers.

24.   Nurses keep a stash of snacks—nothing like a cherry ice at 3:00am.

25.   I can live without bangs.

26.   Hell, I can live without hair.

27.   The quality of toilet paper is essential.

28.   Ditto for tissues.

29.   Clean sheets are heaven.

30.   Friends are a gift from God.

     31.   Life goes on.

32.   Some people gain weight during chemo.

33.   I am loved.

34.   Hospitals have strangely comfortable pillows…. Yet they are waterproof.

35.   Kids get it.

36.   The elevator at Dr Lynn’s is the slowest I have ever seen… and all for one floor.  Never have been able to find the stairs.

37.   Hot showers affect the electric bill more than I thought.

38.   Nothing, and I mean nothing, can compete with a great nurse.

39.   Family is more than blood.

40.   I learned to embrace whatever was thrown at me.

41.   Hair grows slow when you want it to grow and fast when you don’t

42.   Facebook was a godsend.

43.   The amount of money I spent on my hair in the past was rather large… it will be nice to spend it again. 

44.   Faith is essential

45.   The money I saved in hair products was spent on cupcakes.

46.   I can only live without my day planner for so long,

47.   Chemo brain is real.

48.   There is actually a Cancer Dating Service… who knew?! 

49.   My mom is great.

50.   I did it! I am a cancer survivor!

 

 

Princess Gwinny

        Let me introduce myself.  My name is Gwinny and I am the youngest pug of what had been known as the Pug Posse at the Barrett household.  I say was as Zoe, bless her little heart, and went to Rainbow Bridge in March at the ripe old age of 16 and then Polly that annoyingly cute pug followed in June at the age of 12 with what I heard was cancer.  I kinda miss her as Ollie is just a lazy old man who has no sense of humor.  At least Polly went back at me.  Ollie, he is a whole other story.

        I am a princess and not one of those adopted, rescue pugs.  I am exactly what a pug should look like—cobby, flat faced and my tail is beautiful as it curls 2 times.  And I have 2 eyes… something old man Ollie can’t say. And I do have my hearing, which benefits the old man as unlike him, I can hear when the word treat is uttered and when I run, he follows.  My Daddy is Dr. Bill but since he works long hours to support my grand lifestyle, my Grandma Andie has custody.  Aunt Liza used to love me and let me sleep with her, but then SHE got cancer and I was not allowed as APPARENTLY I am a germ carrying pug.  I was then deported downstairs to Granny’s and I like it just fine.  Sometimes I sneak upstairs and break into Aunt Liza’s room and if the rug is in the right place, I can jump right onto the bed.  However, I did that a few months back and boy was she mad.  I was aiming for the bottom of the bed, but landed on Portia—whoever that is. Needless to say, she now makes sure her door is shut tight. 

            Back to me, as it is ALWAYS about me.  I have those humans wrapped around my pretty little paws.  I know just how to work them and make them think I am the cutest thing going.  Heck, I even had Granny thinking Polly was attacking me for years.  But Aunt Liza blew that as she was sure it was me.  She caught me one night going after Polly.  Still, I achieved my goal of not having to sleep with her.  Polly had issues and had to have a bed buddy and since I am a princess, I am way above sleeping with another dog.  Luckily old man Ollie is so laid back—he had no problem dealing with that Polly and her insecurities so he bore the brunt of it, usually without complaining.  But once in a while he would just sleep somewhere else—that always makes me snort to think about it. 

            Have I told you I LOVE food?!  Well, I do.  Naturally of course since pugs are eaters.  I try to watch my figure, but who can resist a treat when it is offered freely?  Besides, if I look really, really sad and pathetic, I can get more.  As you can see, I am smart too.  Just a little wiggle of my perfect tail and I get what I want.  Humans really are easy.

            Speaking of humans, I really upset Granny last week.  She took me to the vet for this lump I was unable to see.  And believe it or not, it turned out to be cancer of all things.  I immediately thought of Polly and the little box she now occupies and shivered—I am too young to be in that box—pretty as it is.  Then I remembered Aunt Liza did the cancer thing this year too and she is not in a box, so I would just be like her.  Then I thought whoa….she lost her hair—YIKES!  No way did I want to look like one of those nasty Chinese Crested things that are called dogs.  But luckily I heard Granny telling someone—not sure who as she talks on the phone every morning to her sister and a lot of times with some lady names Anne—who makes her laugh and laugh.  Anyway—she told whoever that all I needed was surgery and I would be fine. Whew… pug snorts all around.

            Today I went in for surgery and I am doing well, thank you for asking.  I did so well they even cleaned my teeth for me!!!  I think we have to wait to see what the tests say, but the vet says I am good to go.  I even get to come home tonight as Daddy is coming home to watch over me.  I have my paws crossed as when he came home for Aunt Liza’s surgery, he was useless.  I helped her more than he did.  But I am sure Granny will have my back—she always does and being the princess I am, I am sure she will be making me all comfy, loving me and making me one of my favorite meals—chicken and rice.  Yay me!  Off to rest while I wait for my ride home so I can be the Puggy Princess and I am going to milk this as long as I can. 

A year ago....

Having had cancer, one important thing to know is you're still the same person at the end. You're stripped down to near zero. But most people come out the other end feeling more like themselves than ever before.
                                                                       Kylie Minogue

          December 5, 2011.  December 7, 2011.  December 14, 2011.  December 29, 2011.  And so it begins.  And aside from December 7—all dates which until last year, were, just that, dates on the December calendar. In a few hours, it will be one year to the day in which I found that damn lump.  I remember when I found it I started to cry.  I knew deep down exactly what it was and I was a wee bit pissed.  So, I did nothing and figured I would check it again the next night as just maybe it would not be there.  No such luck as it was still there.  Damn lump.   The phone call to Dr Jones got the wheel started and that wheel has gone round and round since. 

           As I have pointed out, I knew.  Yet, I also knew I was going to be okay.  And while there were a few who thought it was the end, it never crossed my mind.  Seriously, it never did.   On top of it all, I really had no idea what I was in for.  All I could think of was how I hate to throw up.  I remember how nauseated Dad had been and that was my biggest fear about cancer (I am happy to say I never did either! I know TMI).   I wondered briefly how I was going to look bald and I thought how nice it would be not to have to go on a diet (Of course I would be in the percentage who gained weight). 

        To say it has been a year is an understatement.  I experienced a lot of firsts since I found that sucker and while it was a bump in the road (or really a pain in the ass); it was, as I have said, doable.  I did not plan to be one of the 1 in 8, but I am.  I certainly did not want to have short hair—or no hair for that matter, but I have these curls now and it really is easy to do in the mornings.  Funny how I used to think the worst thing in the world was to have my bangs cut too short.  Now I wonder if I will ever have them again! 

        I have changed.  There is no way a person can go through this and not change in some way.  I see things differently and yes, it is hard to explain.  I have always been sensitive to others and very sentimental.  Now it is on an entirely different level.   I know what made me smile and made my day.  It was the little things.  It was the cards from people who I thought barely knew me, it was the prayer shawls from people I knew and complete strangers.  It was the gifts and just the outpouring of love.  I hope I can pay it forward and do unto others as they have done to and for me. 

        I am still anal and my day planner is again the center of my world.  I am trying to do too much and while my plate is overflowing, I am blessed to have a plate I can fill.  I get still get tired at the end of the day and I have been told it will end at some point—in a few months.  Apparently vertigo is a side effect of chemo and I am dealing with that.  And yes, I find that amusing.  And the chemo brain is still going full force.  Yet, I have found myself remembering and retaining more.  Comprehension is another story.  I wonder if it will ever come back.  It kills me not to understand things which I normally would. Luckily I am surrounded by understanding, patient people. I am back to working fulltime and I am glad to be back and at the desk.  It is so good to be back. 

        Honestly, I am a little nervous about all the dates coming up as I know me and I know I will just think and more than likely over think it all.  But it is what it is and I have done what I needed to do. 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus