A year ago....

Having had cancer, one important thing to know is you're still the same person at the end. You're stripped down to near zero. But most people come out the other end feeling more like themselves than ever before.
                                                                       Kylie Minogue

          December 5, 2011.  December 7, 2011.  December 14, 2011.  December 29, 2011.  And so it begins.  And aside from December 7—all dates which until last year, were, just that, dates on the December calendar. In a few hours, it will be one year to the day in which I found that damn lump.  I remember when I found it I started to cry.  I knew deep down exactly what it was and I was a wee bit pissed.  So, I did nothing and figured I would check it again the next night as just maybe it would not be there.  No such luck as it was still there.  Damn lump.   The phone call to Dr Jones got the wheel started and that wheel has gone round and round since. 

           As I have pointed out, I knew.  Yet, I also knew I was going to be okay.  And while there were a few who thought it was the end, it never crossed my mind.  Seriously, it never did.   On top of it all, I really had no idea what I was in for.  All I could think of was how I hate to throw up.  I remember how nauseated Dad had been and that was my biggest fear about cancer (I am happy to say I never did either! I know TMI).   I wondered briefly how I was going to look bald and I thought how nice it would be not to have to go on a diet (Of course I would be in the percentage who gained weight). 

        To say it has been a year is an understatement.  I experienced a lot of firsts since I found that sucker and while it was a bump in the road (or really a pain in the ass); it was, as I have said, doable.  I did not plan to be one of the 1 in 8, but I am.  I certainly did not want to have short hair—or no hair for that matter, but I have these curls now and it really is easy to do in the mornings.  Funny how I used to think the worst thing in the world was to have my bangs cut too short.  Now I wonder if I will ever have them again! 

        I have changed.  There is no way a person can go through this and not change in some way.  I see things differently and yes, it is hard to explain.  I have always been sensitive to others and very sentimental.  Now it is on an entirely different level.   I know what made me smile and made my day.  It was the little things.  It was the cards from people who I thought barely knew me, it was the prayer shawls from people I knew and complete strangers.  It was the gifts and just the outpouring of love.  I hope I can pay it forward and do unto others as they have done to and for me. 

        I am still anal and my day planner is again the center of my world.  I am trying to do too much and while my plate is overflowing, I am blessed to have a plate I can fill.  I get still get tired at the end of the day and I have been told it will end at some point—in a few months.  Apparently vertigo is a side effect of chemo and I am dealing with that.  And yes, I find that amusing.  And the chemo brain is still going full force.  Yet, I have found myself remembering and retaining more.  Comprehension is another story.  I wonder if it will ever come back.  It kills me not to understand things which I normally would. Luckily I am surrounded by understanding, patient people. I am back to working fulltime and I am glad to be back and at the desk.  It is so good to be back. 

        Honestly, I am a little nervous about all the dates coming up as I know me and I know I will just think and more than likely over think it all.  But it is what it is and I have done what I needed to do. 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus