All gifts come from above

Today it hit me—every chemo, every test, every needle, every hospital stay, every time I assumed that damn radiation position, every flipping thing about my cancer hit me and for the first time ever—I thought, well crap… I could have died.  Obviously I didn't, but I could have. 

 Today, a sweet, loving woman who showed me what grace and courage was all about, lost her battle with breast cancer.   While she was originally diagnosed a few years ago and seemed to be in remission, she fell ill again this year.  She encouraged me, she gave me hints, and she knew and understood what I was going through and she was one of my heroes.  And because of her, I finally came face to face with what I went through.

It started gnawing at me this morning in church when Pastor Bill came to me before the service and told me it was serious.  I sat there thinking and well, it snowballed from there.  A series of events unfolded and by the first line of the first hymn, I had tears falling and well, I picked my stuff up and walked out.  Of course I could not leave due to that little, itty bitty annoyance of having to teach my Sunday School class, but as soon as I got to the hallway, I was feeling better… plus Jessica, the other poor soul who shares the class with me, was out that as was baby Lilly—and we all know a baby can just melt the blues away.   As always, the kids were able to keep my mind from drifting too far.   

Pastor Bill was on his way to the hospital and told me he would call me later.  I was jumpy and although I should have spent some time at work, my mind was elsewhere—so I went walking on the beach.  It was as I was walking I got the news… she was gone and it was peaceful. And I cried.  And I could not stop crying—I cried for the family, I cried for her friends, I cried for her and I cried for me.  And then, I stopped and looked out over the ocean and thought about today’s lesson in which we talked about God’s creations and how we need to take care of them.  We talked about how God knows everything—down to and including the hairs on our head (and yes, there is always one who says something about bald people—I was not disappointed) and before we left, I told them to remember that we are God’s creations too and we need to take care of others as God would want us to.  

Pastor Bill called me right about then and told me this—it was peaceful and she was covered with the quilt the quilters had made for her (she was one of them) and all I could do was smile and think wow, how awesome.  There was so much love in that quilt and she was surrounded with that love and she knew. 

Life is a gift.  And today, I realized how truly blessed I am to be here.  Humbling too as today was also the first time I asked myself why was I allowed to live (remember, I never thought I was going to die, so I never allowed myself to even go there).  I sure hope I can do whatever it is I am here to do and not screw it up royally. Then again, I can always go back to the lesson on how God always forgives.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.

Rest in peace Nicole and thank you.