Random thoughts....

 As I approach the ½ point of this chemo thing, I thought I would share a few random thoughts…

·         My biggest fear was if I ever got cancer there was no way on earth I could handle it.  Well, I am handling it and while this is not exactly a fear I really wanted to conquer, I think I pretty much have a grasp on it.   A big thank you to the person who discovered the nausea pill—I am forever in your debt.

·         I have sung the praises of Portia a few times now, but I have to tell you, she really is a pain in the ass.  For some reason I am always hitting her and it hurts like hell—if I hit her just right I can bring tears to my eyes and drop to my knees.  After hearing me yell ouch a few times, Gaye said if she ever needed a port it would go in her chest.  Funny thing is, I don’t ever remember hitting my upper arm until Portia was installed.  Figures.

·         I am beginning to think Gaye might be right about the head scarves.  For the most part I have been wearing Scarlett and boy does she itch at times.  I probably should carry around a hat just in case I want to rip her off.  Speaking of, I sure hope I don’t get pulled over if I am driving at night—I usually take her off and whew, it feels great but I am still not embracing the egg look and goodness knows it might scare the heck out of the officer. 

·         I so appreciate all the concern and support I get.    I have said it before and I will continue to say it, it is so humbling.  However, I swear if I hear one more time “this too shall pass” I might just scream.  I know, I just set myself up and yes, I have a very good idea who will be the first one to test this theory. 

·         I am starting to lose the taste for certain foods and while I am trying to put up a fight… I am losing.  Ketchup takes like metal, milk tastes sour, peanut butter is starting to taste like cardboard and the smell of certain foods are beginning to do me in.  My love for tuna sandwiches is on hold as the last one did nothing for me.  The other day I told Billy that even the thought of a cupcake made me sick—he was speechless.  Oh well, I need to lose about 10 lbs anyway. 

·         The fatigue really is rather amusing.  Some days I get up, take a shower, get ready for work and I am done.  Other days I am good to go.  I have been told it only gets worse at the treatments continue.  Great… so looking forward to the next few months.

·         I still have my eyebrows—and I don’t have bad hair days.

·         I will never, ever be able to say thank you to all the people who have supported me, prayed for me and just cared enough to let me know they have thought about me.  Again, very humbling.

·         Philippians 4: 6-7.

2 down, 4 to go...

My veins are filled, once a week with a Neapolitan carpet cleaner distilled from the Adriatic and I am as bald as an egg. However I still get around and am mean to cats. ~John Cheever, letter to Philip Roth, 10 May 1982, published in The Letters of John Cheever, 1989, concerning his cancer and its treatment.

While I only have my veins filled every three weeks (let’s just say that one delay was a fluke), I am not mean to cats, but I am bald as an egg.  (Remember cha cha chia??  Now it is the egg commercial—the incredible, edible egg).  I woke up the other night, sweating under my still to be named night cap, looked over at my dresser-- which houses the Scarlett, the Lizzie and the newly named ferret—Friar Tuck --and was like crap, I look like a friggin egg and I have hair sitting on plastic frames--this sucks.  Well, at least  I still have my eyebrows (for the moment anyway). 

I completed Round 2 this week and am happy to report Oxycodone is a miracle drug.  The leg pain was bearable and contrary to Estell’s worry I am going to end up in the Daily News in the arrest section, I only took it at night.  (Estell is the Assistant Library Director and my immediate boss).   I will admit, while I appreciate the lack of pain,  it makes me feel too strange so there is no need to worry.  Nothing like waking up every 5 minutes thinking you have slept for days and sweating like crazy and not even be hot flashes.  But again, on the positive side, I did not need much of the nausea medicine and the week was not bad at all.  I did feel bad for Laurel, as she was here this week and I was napping most of the time.  Still, it was nice to have her here.  I am sure just laying eyes on me and aside from the hair, I still look the same—not like a cancer patient.

I would like to focus on the fatigue factor for a moment.  Never in my life have I ever been so tired.  So much so I gave into said boss (and others who will remain nameless until I feel like picking on them) and until this is over, I promised I would a) not be a second person, I would always be a third so I could come and go and b) accept with open arms the fact I will need help from others and to just deal with it.  Strangely enough, it took me maybe 8 hours to accept this—who says stubborn people can’t change!

I also gave up my Sunday School class until the fall.  Now that was hard as if you remember they ground me.  There is nothing better than something through the eyes of a child.  They are blunt, honest, don’t realize they should not ask certain questions and are not concerned with political correctness, they just want to know.  Granted there are many cringe moments, but still, they treat me as if I am not sick, and at times, that matters. 

 It is Monday and I have survived—and it was not bad at all, it was all controllable and while I understand the side effects and fatigue usually get worse as the treatments continue, I can deal with it.  After all, the cup is half full!